ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Blew my mind.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!