Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.