Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Not even remotely sorry.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff