To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
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