Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star