Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
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7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.