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Morningbreath
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I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.