HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
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[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
thanks auntie mary
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.