Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
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titanic
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Look at this
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Maths meets science
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here