GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.