Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
😂😂
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
*limbos under the caution tape
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*