Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
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Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’ve been learning to cook.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny