Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
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“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
marvel comics have peaked
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.