Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
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My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Strangers have the best candy.