McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this