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[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Not😆🤣
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?