[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.