they split up moments later
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Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
How about daylight saves us for once
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I’ve had relationships like this
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
we’re gonna need another temp
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE