You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
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Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
True freaking story!
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.