Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.