A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
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What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks