Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
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Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
waiting for halloween be like:
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.