“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.