Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.