SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice