This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
AM I BEING GASLIT????
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.