my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
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Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!