Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*has no idea what a book even is*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.