Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
You Might Also Like
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.