They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Waiting for the Charmin
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!