Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.