Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.