“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
synchronized noseblowing
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
A drum solo but on your face.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car