You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”