photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Life hack
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*