me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
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If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.