I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Yup.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
My dad is at it again
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”