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the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
2023 was just a warmup
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor