Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….