Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Pandas 🐼🖤
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Ha
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.