skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
bro what is going on at twitter
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE