I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no