Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
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Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Current mood: Potato
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?