It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
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Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
finally
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.