the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.