I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95