Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
You Might Also Like
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
This is a sub tweet
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.