the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.