*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
saw this in a dream
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate