Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position